8 years ago....

8 years ago today, my life changed.

Here is my story....

My mom passed away from a heart attack at the age of 60 on July 6, 2001. She had been sick for several months, starting with a heart attack 9 months earlier. She followed with another heart attack a month later....2 days before she was scheduled to have bypass surgery on her heart. The second heart attack left her weak and her heart too damaged to have the surgery. We were told she wouldn't make it longer than a few days. To everyone's surprise she kept on going...she wasn't the same...she has suffered a possible brain injury from lack of oxygen when her heart stopped the second time. She was weak and required around the clock care.....sometimes she was "with it", other times not so much. Right before Thanksgiving 2000, we had to put her in a nursing home. Nobody could give her the care she needed at home. We had some ups and downs with both her physical and mental status. It was rough on all of us. Suddenly in the spring of 2001, she was showing major signs of improvement. All of the sudden, she was with it all the time and this time around she was a happy person. She was still weak and spent most of her time in a wheelchair. She was actually enjoying her time in the nursing home....being nosy about everyone else and then gossiping about it. We started planning for her discharge to home (living with my oldest brother) at the end of July. We would go and get her on Saturdays and take her on little outings out of the nursing home....trips to Target and out to eat. She was happy all of the time and so fun to be around. My siblings and I started living our lives thinking she was going to live and not waiting for that phone call that told us she was gone.

The last time we were all together was July 4, 2001. We were at my dad and step-mom's house having a cookout. My oldest brother, John, picked my mom up from the nursing home and brought her over to have lunch. If you don't know my family, you wouldn't think anything of this. My mom and dad had been divorced since I was 8. For all the years that followed, my mom harbored deep resentment and anger towards my dad and stepmom. It was never a good idea to have her in the same room as him. But in the last few weeks of her life all that changed....she forgave and forgot. So we all spent the 4th of July together at my Dad's house....it was amazing to have the entire family there and getting along having a good time. Kari was just over a year old and loved walking behind my mom's wheelchair and my mom just couldn't get enough of Kari....or as she liked to call her "strawberry baby". There was a sense of peace that day.....for once we had peace.

So 2 days later it was just an ordinary day. Just a random Friday. I had dropped Kari off at my dad and stepmom's house in the afternoon, so I could go put a couple of hours in at the hospital working from 3-8pm. I was in the middle of a surgery when my pager went off. It was Steve, I called him back thinking he was just calling to see if he needed to get Kari and what time I was getting off. He started the conversation with..."You need to sit down". I still didn't think anything of it and he continued with "your mom died this afternoon". I totally thought he was kidding and I told him that wasn't funny. I had just talked to her that morning and she was fine. No, he repeated, he wasn't kidding....she was gone. What??? What??? I left the hospital and rushed to the nursing home.....although I have no recollection how I got there. I was in a daze. It took me weeks, months to come around to the fact that yes, my mom was gone. I would pick up the phone to call her and then realize she was gone.

Here is the weird part.....we were all scheduled (my brothers, my sister, and their families & my aunt, cousins and all their families) to go to Minnesota on July 14 for my grandmother's 90th birthday. My mom's wishes were to be cremated and her ashes spread on the lake in her childhood hometown....the same hometown we were all headed to on July 14. Not one person had to change their travel plans to be at my mom's memorial service.....we were all going to be there anyway. Random.....no, I think it was all in God's plan. And what a wonderful plan it was.....He didn't take her home in October or November 2000 when all the doctors said they couldn't believe she survived the heart attacks. He let her hang around and changed her into the wonderful loving person she used to be before the bitterness of divorce and being a single parent set in. He gave us the most wonderful day on July 4. And 2 days later He took her home and we laid her to rest in the place we were all going to be anyway. Amazing....

When I look back on this date 8 years ago, I was filled with such sadness. The grief was overwhelming at times. I was 27 years old....way too young to lose my mother. My sweet Kari was 1 and would never know her Grandma Mary. I think that is the hardest pill to swallow....that Kari will never know her because she was such a great Grandma and I know she would have spoiled Kari rotten.

So how do I feel 8 years later??? A little bit of sadness.....I still sometimes can't believe she is gone. I have forgotten how her voice sounded, what her laugh was like. I have a jewelry box full of my mom's things....rings, charms, her nursing pin. I look through it when I need to feel close to her. Today I looked through those things, but instead of tears, I smiled thinking of the good things I remember about her.

So, yes, my life changed 8 years ago. It is different, I am different from the person I would have been had I not lost my mom. I know now that life can change in an instant.....always tell the people close to you how you feel about them, forgive easily, forget even quicker because that little squabble or wrong won't feel so wrong when that person is gone. We are all here on loan and our time is precious....don't waste it with feelings of dislike and bitterness. Fill your life with love and say it loud and proud.

I felt the overwhelming need to share this story today....to write it down in words. So thank you for listening and letting me ramble on and on and on. A little bit of therapy for me.....

I love my mom dearly and am so thankful for the 27 years I had with her. Man, I sure do miss her......

Until next time....